Jumping into Comics

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

New Avengers 1: The Satire Begins

New Avengers #1

"Breakout!" Part One

Previously in New Avengers: It was the worst day in Avengers history. Brian Bendis decided that they were not hip enough and that Luke Cage should be added to the team. Thus, we uncovered an old West Coast Avengers comic (AND we give a very special award to the Wasp as biggest IDIOT OF THE YEAR), threw out some nonsense about there not being Chaos magic and ignoring the idea that Doctor Strange once used it, and had Scarlet Witch kill the Avengers: Jack of Hearts, who was already dead, Ant Man, the Vision, whose death didn’t make sense, and Hawkeye, who was given a mental lobotomy beforehand (It wasn’t mentioned, but it HAD to have happened; otherwise he’s a dumbass). The Avengers, instead of sticking it out, decided that they were going to break up. Because that worked so well the one time they did it in Avengers #297! And the team that followed that was great: Mister Fantastic, Invisible Woman.... Gilgamesh!

After this break up, what wonderful team will we get now?

Let’s wait six months.

We done? Cool, let’s go!

A shadowy figure talks to Electro.

Shadowy Figure: “So, is the deal acceptable?”

Electro: "You want me?"

SF: "Yes."

Electro: "But I’m Electro. I mean, Spider-Man kicks my ass on a daily basis."

SF: "The Fantastic Four are away, the X-Men are... God, I don’t even want to begin with them.... and the Avengers are dead."

Electro: "Yeah, I read the recap. What about Spider-Man?"

SF: "It’s an island, he can’t get there."

Electro: Perfect. "Now I only have on question left: costume or no costume?"

SF: "Why would I care?"

Electro: "Costume."

SF: *Sighs*

Elsewhere on the Raft:

A helicopter lands and Luke Cage and Scott Summers gets off. Jessica Drew greets them.

Jessica Drew: “I thought I was supposed to see Matt Murdock.”

Matt Murdock: "I am Matt Murdock."

Jessica: "No, you’re Scott Summers. You have red glasses, wavy brown hair...."

Matt: "Aren’t you going to accuse me of being Daredevil?"

Jessica: "Scott Summers isn’t Daredevil, he’s Cyclops."

Luke Cage: "I’m Luke Cage. BITCH!"

Jessica: "That’s nice."

Matt: "I’d like you to meet my partner."

Jessica: "Jean Grey?"

Matt: "I’m NOT Scott Summers! Foggy get out here."

Matt peers inside: "He’s scared to come out."

Jessica: "Of course 'he' is, Mister Summers."

Luke: "SWEET CHRISTMAS!"

Later, in the prison:

Foggy: "There are prisoners? IN the prison? Close together? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT?"

Jessica: "Don’t worry, they aren’t getting any human contact. We’ve found the best way to
reform them is to treat them like animals."

Luke: "Is that the Purple Man on that TV?"

Jessica: "Yes."

Luke: "Isn’t he supposed to be fighting the Thunderbolts?"

Matt: "This is Marvel, we don’t use continuity."

No really, those few lines just summed up the next three pages.

The lights go out.

Matt: "Isn’t anyone going to make a Daredevil reference?"

Jessica: "Why would we do that, Mister Summers?"

Elsewhere, the city slowly loses power. No, really, we get an entire page on this. This, my friends, is how you can know you’re holding a Bendis comic book. BIG explosion at the Raft. DOUBLE SPLASH PAGE! IT’S SO BIG, I HAVE TO USE MY CAPS LOCK!

Spider-Man’s apartment, and don’t get used to this locale. Peter and Mary Jane are sitting down to watch a movie.

Peter: "I don’t want to watch Hugh Grant."

MJ: "Tee hee."

Peter: "Why did you tee hee?"

The lights go out. MJ: "You better go."

Peter as he leaves: "Little did she know that I turned out the lights myself. NO HUGH GRANT! Tee hee. Why did I tee hee? Now, how do I get to the island?"

He sees a S.H.I.E.L.D. airship pass by.

Peter: "Convenient plot twist! It’s about time these worked for me!"

As he swings a web out to get it, it’s struck by a bolt of lightning.

Peter: "What are the odds that a bolt of lightning would strike the airship when it was obviously striking the Raft? Sheesh, if I was some sort of scientist, I would’ve figured this out."

As he gets onto the island, Captain America helps him up. He was apparently on the air ship, good for him.

Peter: "Thanks, Cap..."

Captain America: "What the hell is wrong with you solider? What the hell did you do wrong here?"

Peter: "What’s wrong with you? Why are you yelling at me like some drill sergeant?"

Cap: "Bendis isn’t quite sure how to write my dialogue yet."

Peter: "AH!"

Inside the prison.

Electro: "My name is Electro, and I broke you losers out. *"

The Wrecker: "Uhm... I’m the friggin’ Wrecker. I go toe to toe with Thor all the time. You lose to Spider-Man."

Electro: "So noted. Dude, why do you have on your mask?"

Scarecrow: "So people recognize me."

Electro: "You’re the Scarecrow. No one is going to recognize you."

Scarecrow goes crying away.

Electro: "Waaaaaiiiiit... aren’t you dead?"

The Slug: "I want to be."

Electro: "Wonderful, I’ll be surprised if most of you can get out of the room without getting captured again. Why can’t I be part of the jailbreak in She-Hulk? That was clever and made sense...."

Jigsaw: "It’s okay."

Electro: "I thought you were dead too! Damn lack of continuity..."

Elsewhere, with explosions all around.

Matt: "Jessica, where is the man we’ve come to see?"

Jessica: "He’s in there."

Matt opens the door: "Mister Crusoe? I’m here on behalf of Reed Richards. I am not Cyclops, just to throw that out there."

Jessica: "Who is he?"

Matt: "He’s Robinson Crusoe, just look at him. He’s possibly the most powerful hero on the planet."

Jessica: "What’s he doing here?"

Matt: "Convenient plot placement."

Luke: "That boy be off the hook!"

Foggy smacks Luke in the back of the head.

Luke: "Sweet Christmas!"

Foggy: "Muuuuuch better."

*Actual dialogue

1 Comments:

At 1:19 PM, Blogger Gokitalo said...

Alrighty Hook, I just fixed all the grammatical and punctuation errors like I said I would. 8)

 

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